The last time I blogged, we were fighting an infertility battle I never dreamed we’d have to fight. Isn’t it crazy how we dream up these “plans” for our lives years in advance? Or maybe that’s just me–I’ve always been a “planner”. One way or the other, my “plan” never included doctors, drugs, tears, tests, and months and months and months of waiting. We began to remind ourselves to ‘Count Our Blessings’, because boy did we have them–we just didn’t have the one we were hoping for.
Fast forward three years. It’s New Years Eve. I’m sitting on my couch in my robe while my baby girl sleeps 30 yards away from me. (In all honesty, I’ve never been a big NYE person, so I may have been sitting here in my robe with or without a 6 month old, but that’s neither here nor there) Never in my life did I dream I’d be infertile. Never did I dream we’d be told on a Tuesday we may never have our own child and find out 48 hours later one was already on the way. Never in my life did I ever think I could love someone as much as I love that little girl. How I have counted my blessings, and they are many.
2015 is almost here on the West Coast. In 65 minutes to be exact. I will start the year unemployed for the first time since I graduated from college. My husband will continue to carry our financial burden so that I can live my dream of raising our daughter–something that I will never fully be able to repay him for. This “plan” for my life always included lots of kids and a beautiful home and was free of worry and want. But it is just that–a “plan”. A flawed plan. A plan that, if I’m not careful, can rid my heart of joy and replace it with want, doubt and discontent. Count Our Blessings. For there are many.
This year, our family has big decisions to make. We never dreamed we’d still be in Portland after 3.5 years–I don’t think we ever thought we’d love it as much as we do. It wasn’t in our “plan”. I can honestly say, I no longer have a “plan”. Wouldn’t know what to do with it even if I had one! We’re traveling to Nashville, TN in February on a recon mission and are considering moving our family there in the fall. It’s one option of a few we’re considering, but all for different reasons. How do you know what the right decision is? How do you leave behind the house you brought your daughter home to? How do you choose to live 2,200 miles away from family? The answers, I’ve decided are: You pray, You just do, and I don’t know. All solid answers I guess, though not definitive ones.
I don’t set New Years Resolutions. Quite frankly because I can’t keep them. Hell, I can’t get myself showered and dressed on a consistent basis. My only desires for this year are to become a more selfless mother, a more devoted wife, a more sensitive daughter, and a more attentive friend. Everything else will fall into place. Or it won’t. But, count your blessings. For they are many.